Dating is fun, it’s exciting, and if you’re a girl, it’s really nice on your wallet. But what happens when you start to notice certain traits that could cause issues later? Or things friends or family mention they are noticing that are worrisome? I know myself best, my family and friends know me well and this person I’m dating is just getting to know me. So when I start to hesitate, or friends and family are bringing negative things up about this new person, I know I shouldn’t ignore them.
Here are 7 red flags I’ve faced:
He won’t spend the night
We all have busy lives, but if my date decides getting up a little earlier to head home in the morning is more of a hassle then throwing his pants on and leaving right after sleeping together, it’s been a casual encounter. This shows lack of interest in investing their time into developing a relationship with me. Spending the night after sleeping together says more than the sex did. It means they still want to spend time with me afterwards, and weren’t just looking for a good time.
Not communicating after spending the night
As petty as this may seem, this is the biggest issue I run into. I usually send out a text a day or two after that to try and plan another get together, and although he may say he’s game for that, the ball is in his court. If there’s no response with a plan to meet up again, it’s safe to say I’ve been duped. A person who doesn’t put in the effort now, won’t put it in later.
Always making the plans
I’ve had guys who have driven 40 minutes to 2 days to come and take me on a date. I always thought it was fair of me to choose where we went, since I was familiar with the area. After doing this nearly every time though, that gets boring and it’d be nice for that other person to take initiative with what we do. If I’m constantly making the plans and getting that iconic answer of “I don’t care”, well guess what? I just stopped caring too. I’m doing all the work without it being reciprocated, I can only imagine what a relationship would be like.
Not offering to pay the bill
If my date asks me if I want to split the bill, my first instinct is to think of this as not a date. Call it selfish or rude, but if you ask me out, I expect to be taken care of. You wanted me here, you showed and interest and now I want you to be polite. However, on almost every first date I’ve been on, I’ve always offered to at least split the bill. Sometimes I’ll offer to tip, not because it’s polite, but because I want to. You still took the time to take me out and drive to meet me, and although I do expect my date to pick up the check, I will always offer to contribute.
Dating someone who won’t take responsibility for even the smallest mistake tells me a lot about their character. If it’s apparent that I’m upset, or bothered by something they did, that should be addressed sincerely. This means I need to communicate and say what is bothering me of course, but if the response is “I’m sorry I upset you” vs. “I’m sorry you’re upset about this”, I see that as them either accepting or not taking responsibility that they made me upset. If issues are addressed and still not resolved or give me an uneasy feeling, I don’t ignore it. Either there is something deeper that isn’t being addressed, or my feelings aren’t being acknowledged.
I don’t mean telling a little white lie, it’s natural for someone to tell you you look nice even though that shirt may be unflattering. I mean the big lies, the kind that can alter a future relationship: “I didn’t get your text”, “I was busy with *insert BS excuse here*”, “I’m just not in a good place right now”. If he gets defensive about the topic, there is something else going on, even if the story is consistent. I always trust my gut; if they can’t explain something with a cool head, it’s probably a bigger deal than I think.
Jumping into a relationship
The first date went great, he spent the night and we’re cuddling and everything is good. Then comes the “I think that went well, does this mean I can call you my boy/girlfriend?”. There’s a lot more to dating a person than what we’ll learn in one or two dates. When I was asked this, I was surprised and said no. If we’re going to be official, it should have everything exclusively- honesty, loyalty, arguments, dinners, flowers, etc. If he’s already this eager to start a relationship, just think how fast the rest will come: moving in together, marriage, kids… It’s okay to take things slow, better even.
There are probably more red flags that you’ll identify in your gut that I haven’t mentioned here. Don’t ignore that gut feeling, listen to your friends and don’t let the flags pile up.