It’s really hard for me to get motivated. I start thinking about things I should do, but I don’t do them. I have a lot of doubts about myself and my decisions. This weekend got me on a pretty low level. Let me reiterate this first weekend in March for you and tell you how I was built up, torn down, but still standing.
I recently joined a company that is essentially a Costco for Travelling. If you know what I’m talking about, you already know what it is, and for those of you who don’t, I’m sorry but I can’t explain it here. It’s kind of like me explaining how I liked a movie, but you have to see it to know what I’m talking about. So I joined a few weeks ago and have invited my friends to check it out. I took one friend who is incredibly smart in business. He owns his own business and has built it all pretty much by himself. He asked a lot of questions, and by the time we were heading back home, he had me thinking a lot about my life; especially my financial decisions. Yes, this group has potential to make residual income, but you have to work hard at it and I think it’s easier to explain to strangers than people who know me well.
So I found myself freaking out, trying to figure out what the hell I was doing. I have been a temp employee at my 9-5 job for 7 months with an hourly rate that isn’t enough to pay my necessary bills a month. I work some weekends with high school kids for hours and make less money in two days than I make in one day at my weekly job. I’ve been looking at different jobs, but with all the debt I have, I don’t have a lot of flexibility to relocate. I have four credit cards I need to pay off on top of my other debt and my car is barely halfway through the lease period. It seems like I have more than I can financially handle.
Since my boss was out of town, I decided to do some work for the blog (posting on social media (if Belle hadn’t already) and trying to figure out IFTTT). On top of that, I was trying to budget because I knew my payment dates were coming up.
Then after all of that, Belle and I headed down to Highlands Ranch to judge a high school speech and debate. We’re paid by round, and each round has 5-6 kids usually. I enjoy doing this, but it is exhausting and my hand cramps up after a couple of rounds from writing critiques.
Instead of driving all the way home, we crashed with my parents twenty minutes away from the school. It was 8:30 p.m. when we left and I had made $27.
Belle and I got up at 6:00 a.m. to arrive at the high school at 7:30. From there, we stay until about 2 p.m (which is a SHORT day, usually we are there to well after 8 p.m.). By the time we were done with that I had earned $54 in total (almost enough to cover my utility bill for the month!).
Since we had an early day, I decided to message my ex that lives in Denver, let’s call him Peter. Okay, I know what you’re thinking- but we had barely dated, than were Friends with Benefits, then decided to hang out and grab a drink casually. It’s fine, as much as Belle would disagree… Anyways, Peter wanted to go to REI and get new hiking boots and wanted me to come with. I told him when I could be there, and then he told me he had plans in an hour to meet up with a friend of his that I didn’t like. And Peter knew I didn’t like him and I avoid seeing him because he’s an a**hole. So I texted back saying I’d changed my mind and would just go home.
The reason why Peter and I never dated was because he was so hot and cold. He’d want me to hang out with his friends, but say no when I invited him to hang out with mine. He’d spent the night at my house ONCE during the 2 years we’d been doing whatever it is we’re doing, and has given me one compliment to which I cried because it was so unexpected.
The way he reacted to me backing out was incredibly frustrating. He told me that it was f***ed up I made him wait on me and I was being dramatic- “typical Elena”. I couldn’t understand why he would still want to be friends with me after saying all these horrible things that I’d done to him. He had bailed on my birthday because he had “s*** going on” and I wouldn’t understand, he told me he liked having sex with me and he missed me, but not like that- as a friend hanging out, and claimed that I always thought people (meaning him) are screwing me over, when it’s probably me that’s to blame for once… So I told him it’d be better if we weren’t friends. He took that well by telling me to “stop being so dramatic and you may find someone who you can have a relationship with”. Really regretting my decision on unfriending this guy…
I made plans to meet up with one of my closest friends. I expected it to be the same kind of conversation we usually have- how the same guy she’d been off and on for for years was still treating her like s***, how we wished we could vacation and had loads of money to spend. But this time was different. I told her about the messages I had got the day before from Peter. She then proceeded to tell me how Peter had reached out to her begging her to go on a date with him and he would talk to me about it to make sure it was okay… So not only had he EVER asked me if he could date one of my best friends, he was just going for it, meanwhile texting me to come over at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. “I’ll buy your Uber, just come over.”
By the time Monday rolled around…
So here I was completely humiliated and disappointed in myself and my poor decisions. I was struggling financially and felt like I was back to square one. I had gone back to the same guy who treated me like garbage and let him. My friend had to awkwardly tell me how he had been pushy with her and she had felt awkward and never replied. I felt like a complete failure. A part of me thought Peter was right, that maybe I was a s*** friend and that’s why so many of my “friends” had run away when I told them about an idea I was really excited about. I felt unattractive, not good enough, not successful and not pretty.
So I sat on my floor and cried.
Then I got a message from my mentor with a motivational video saying how I was good enough. Peter had unfriended me on social media, so I wouldn’t be able to see what he was up to anymore, and I didn’t care. I went to a wedding shower and won a contest matching Disney songs to the movies (obviously with 100%). I went to dinner with my friend who I hadn’t seen in years, and his fiance and had a really good time. My parents called me to see how I was doing and my sister had bought K-Cups for the Kureg for the morning. I had good things happening, I just needed to acknowledge the worst, react to it and get past it.
No matter how low you may feel in this life, there will always be more good than bad. Don’t let the turkeys get ya down, because you are beautiful and good enough.