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The Things He Said

Posted in Lifestyle, Relationships by

what he said

 

I’ve been in the dating game for far too long. So far, I’ve had two “real” relationships that went beyond the dating realms: commitment, ‘I love you’s, meeting the family etc. That’s not to say my dating life has been complete failure; I was close to that relationship status with a couple of guys. But there was always something that wasn’t right, something off that my gut knew better than my head. Looking back, it seems clear why those relationships never turned into ‘my forever’. The way he would respond to what I said or wanted was degrading and would make me feel stupid at times. I decided to write a post about a couple guys I’ve dated recently and what they said in different scenarios.

Here’s a list of all the things he’s said to me while we were dating:

 

The Bad

When he wouldn’t commit to spending time with me and my friends and I ignored his call:

“You are a child”

When I invited him to my birthday party two weeks in advance and he said he would come, then backed out the night of:

“You all pissy now”

When I told him I was over it (the first time)

“I know I f***** up.

But I’m ready to grow the f*** up and stop being that person to you.
I really am going to try and not being that total f*** up..”

When I said I didn’t see this working out:

“Trust me, I know this won’t really work. And I know 100% cause I feel like I don’t care.”

When I started not to care and had little effort:

“I hope you grow up”

When I stopped responding:

“I’ll f*** someone else

When I told him to stop sending me stupid, pointless snapchats:

“Someone’s pissy. Have fun doing nothing at work” 

When he accused me of cheating on him:

“I was blackout drunk

You never let me know that I made you happy. You never let me know you.”

 

Related Reading: Dating 101: 7 Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

 

kaboompics

The Good

When I was gone on vacation for 5 days:

“I MISS YOU”

When he realized I was serious when I said I was done:

“I f***ed up

I’m ready to grow the f*** up

I just want to hold your hand.”

When I remembered his birthday and got him something:

“You are too nice to me”

After we met for the first time and he found me on Facebook:

“I thought you were really cute last night and had to remember to somehow get a hold of you”

When we were both home alone:

“Stay with me”

When we had “pillow talk”

“You’re so beautiful”

When we were driving to dinner

“How did I get so lucky”

 

 

After I Broke Up With Him:

 

kaboompics

 

“I will only love you

You are what matters to me

I will do anything for you

You are the one I’m supposed to be with. 

I’m losing everything that matters to me.

You are my forever.”

 

Weeks after I broke up with him:

“I hope you know I care about you a lot

I will always love you

I’m sorry”

 

Those things made me feel good for a time, and like the good could outweigh the bad. Ultimately, I knew things wouldn’t be the same, and I was tired of being called crazy or a b****. So I made the decision to walk away. Turns out it was a lot harder than I thought it would be, but it was the right thing to do.

 

Related Reading: 3 Reasons to Love Being Single

 

January 11, 2018
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What Should I Read Next?

Posted in Lifestyle by

what to read

 

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. That means that if you click through and make a purchase, we will earn a commission, at no additional cost to you. 

 

When I finish reading a book, I always find myself in a sort of depression. I feel gratified that I’ve just finished another great read, but then I don’t know where to go next! If this sounds like you, I’ve composed a short list of the books that I’ve read recently/highly recommend. I’ve also added my “want to read” list at the end for even more ideas for you!

 

Leaving Time by Jodi Picoult

Leaving Time – Jodi Picoult

I read this book at the end of the summer. I actually listened to the book through my libraries App, on my drive to and from work during the work week. The story is about a pre-teen girl who has been looking for her mother, since she disappeared years prior. Leaving Time dives into the past of a woman who is a mother, scientist and wife who faces hardship, heartbreak and a devastating reality.

Topics: Mystery, Realism, Family, Relationships, Skepticism

 

 

 

Ready Player One Ernest ClineReady Player One – Ernest Cline

I read this book a few weeks ago, recommended to me by Belle. At first when she explained it to me, I was skeptical. It didn’t seem like the type of book I usually read. I was right, but I also had a hard time pausing the audio book!

Ready Player One takes place in 2044, where reality has become what everyone fears it would: poor and  damaged and people dying with the planet. However, the one saving grace is the world-wide virtual reality, the OASIS. The creator of the OASIS has died and left an entire universe full of games and puzzles waiting to be solved. Once they all are, fame and fortune awaits the winner; but there can only be one.

Topics: Mystery, Science Fiction, Relationships, Nerds, Futuristic

 

 

the perfume collector kathleen tessaro

The Perfume Collector – Kathleen Tassaro

My grandma recommended this book to me earlier this year. After reading the back cover, I decided to give it a shot. The Perfume Collector is about a newly-wed, Grace, who resides in London. She receives a letter from a mysterious woman in Paris saying she’s inherited all of this woman’s belongings. Grace must discover who this mystery woman is, and why she’s left everything in her name by digging into a stranger’s past as well as her own.

Topics: Relationships, Family, History

 

 

 

The Husband's Secret - Liane Moriarty

The Husband’s SecretLiane Moriarty

My sister recommended I read What Alice Forgot, but since it was unavailable as an audio book, I decided to try something else by Liane Moriarty.

Cecilia Fitzpatrick is the perfect wife and mother, and is now burdened with her husband’s dark secret. A letter will change everything for Cecilia and her family, as well as others. The Husband’s Secret is written from a different point of view each chapter. Soon, the truth has become revealed changing everyone’s lives forever.

Topics: Love, Mystery, Relationships, Family

 

 

 

Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

I decided to read this book because I remembered how it had been a best seller years back when I was younger. I wouldn’t have been able to understand then, so now seemed as good a time as ever to read.

Nitta Sayuri tells her story of how she was sold to become a Geisha at a young age. Memoirs of a Geisha covers Sayuri’s life struggles as a child, becoming a geisha and life during WWII in Japan. The story is extremely engaging and powerful; however prepare yourself for a long read.

Topics: Family, Relationships, History, Geisha, Memoir

Note: Check out the movie that came out on this book in 2005

 

Related Reading: Belle’s 5 Favorite Books, Elena’s 5 Favorite Books

 

Elena’s “Want to Read” List

The Devil in the White City – Erik Larson

What Alice Forgot – Liane Moriarty

Big Little Lies– Liane Moriarty

Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl– Anne Frank

Lilac Girls – Martha Hall Kelly

Small Great Things – Jodi Picoult

All the Light We Cannot See – Anthony Doerr

Harry Potter Series– J.K. Rowling

 

November 6, 2017
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How to Handle Getting Hit on at a Bar

Posted in Lifestyle, Relationships by

getting hit on

 

Ah the legal drinking age, where for some people means “more people I can casually hit on in public”.  The one liners usually start when I approach the bar with credit card in hand waiting for the bar tender to notice me. It’s that moment when I hear the: “Interesting drink choice”, “What a stereotypical white-girl drink”, or, my favorite, “You want a shot?”.

Not to sound conceded in any way, but this happens on a regular basis when Belle and I go out. This is mostly because we look like a power couple- a blonde and brunette. She’ll deny it, but the majority of the time we get free things, it’s because of her (the power of blonde hair). As flattering as it is to be offered a drink, sometimes it’s uncomfortable. So, if you’ve found yourself in the position where someone is swooping in and breathing their whisky-on-the-rocks-breath in your face, you’re not alone.

Here are some simple ways I’ve handled being hit on in a bar:

Being Smart

A stranger just offered to buy me a drink, so I need to be smart about accepting it. Sometimes I’ll say no if I’ve already had enough to drink or I’m just really not interested. In the case I do accept, I make sure I get it directly from the bartender and watch them make it to avoid the chance or getting drugged. There are already a couple of things out there that can detect drugs in drinks (coasters, straws, cups). However, these are not out or very popular yet. There is a nail polish you can wear (even if it’s just on one nail) that can detect common date rape drugs. Although it’s not available to the public yet, you can keep up with it’s status by visiting Under Cover Colors website.

 

Politeness

If a stranger is offering to buy me a drink, I say “thank you”, regardless of their reasoning for buying it. I’m plenty grateful, they just saved me ten bucks. I’ll usually converse with them for a while, however if I’m really not feelin’ it, I’ll say so and peace out.

 

Conversation

I never know when a connection will spark unless I engage with the other person. I may not be physically attracted to the person offering me a drink, but they could have an interesting story. Honestly, half the time someone is offering a drink, it’s just to talk. There’s so many stereotypes people think about while out, but I try not to jump to conclusions. If I am absolutely not into it, I won’t accept a drink.

Drinking in a bar

Photo Credit Michael Discenza

 

Honesty

If I am interested in this stranger who has offered me a drink, I take action: flirt back, give them my number. However, if I’m really not feeling it, I just say so. I know myself, and if I know this won’t go anywhere, I tell them that and excuse myself.  If I’m in a relationship, that’s also important to mention. I say this while I accept the drink (because free is free): “I am in a committed relationship, but I’d be happy to accept this drink and get to know you. What’s your name?” People appreciate honesty and being upfront rather than realizing later I’ve just been using them for a free drink. It’s okay to accept, as long as I don’t lead that person on.

 

Share A Drink

 If this stranger brings up a topic that seems insensitive or annoying, I let them know I’m getting uncomfortable. If they proceed to push the conversation further, I always remember that they did buy the drink… It’s only right to give it back. Some options worth considering:  I either hand the drink  back, stating that I’m not interested (honesty) or I set the glass down on the closest bar or table, and if all else fails or I’m in the appropriate setting, I can choose to dump it on their hot-head. If they are going to be pushy and persistent after I’ve already said no, that calls for a different tactic to get my point across.  

October 18, 2017
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Dating 101: 7 Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

Posted in Lifestyle, Relationships by

Don't ignore

 

Dating is fun, it’s exciting, and if you’re a girl, it’s really nice on your wallet. But what happens when you start to notice certain traits that could cause issues later? Or things friends or family mention they are noticing that are worrisome? I know myself best, my family and friends know me well and this person I’m dating is just getting to know me. So when I start to hesitate, or friends and family are bringing negative things up about this new person, I know I shouldn’t ignore them.

 

Here are 7 red flags I’ve faced:

 

He won’t spend the night

We all have busy lives, but if my date decides getting up a little earlier to head home in the morning is more of a hassle then throwing his pants on and leaving right after sleeping together, it’s been a casual encounter. This shows lack of interest in investing their time into developing a relationship with me. Spending the night after sleeping together says more than the sex did. It means they still want to spend time with me afterwards, and weren’t just looking for a good time. 

 

Not communicating after spending the night

As petty as this may seem, this is the biggest issue I run into. I usually send out a text a day or two after that to try and plan another get together, and although he may say he’s game for that, the ball is in his court. If there’s no response with a plan to meet up again, it’s safe to say I’ve been duped. A person who doesn’t put in the effort now, won’t put it in later.

 

Always making the plans

I’ve had guys who have driven 40 minutes to 2 days to come and take me on a date. I always thought it was fair of me to choose where we went, since I was familiar with the area. After doing this nearly every time though, that gets boring and it’d be nice for that other person to take initiative with what we do. If I’m constantly making the plans  and getting that iconic answer of “I don’t care”, well guess what? I just stopped caring too. I’m doing all the work without it being reciprocated, I can only imagine what a relationship would be like.

 

Not offering to pay the bill

If my date asks me if I want to split the bill, my first instinct is to think of this as not a date. Call it selfish or rude, but if you ask me out, I expect to be taken care of. You wanted me here, you showed and interest and now I want you to be polite. However, on almost every first date I’ve been on, I’ve always offered to at least split the bill. Sometimes I’ll offer to tip, not because it’s polite, but because I want to. You still took the time to take me out and drive to meet me, and although I do expect my date to pick up the check, I will always offer to contribute.

 

No apologizies

Dating someone who won’t take responsibility for even the smallest mistake tells me a lot about their character. If it’s apparent that I’m upset, or bothered by something they did, that should be addressed sincerely. This means I need to communicate and say what is bothering me of course, but if the response is “I’m sorry I upset you” vs. “I’m sorry you’re upset about this”, I see that as them either accepting or not taking responsibility that they made me upset. If issues are addressed and still not resolved or give me an uneasy feeling, I don’t ignore it. Either there is something deeper that isn’t being addressed, or my feelings aren’t being acknowledged. 

 

Lying

I don’t mean telling a little white lie, it’s natural for someone to tell you you look nice even though that shirt may be unflattering. I mean the big lies, the kind that can alter a future relationship: “I didn’t get your text”, “I was busy with *insert BS excuse here*”, “I’m just not in a good place right now”. If he gets defensive about the topic, there is something else going on, even if the story is consistent. I always trust my gut; if they can’t explain something with a cool head, it’s probably a bigger deal than I think.

 

Jumping into a relationship

The first date went great, he spent the night and we’re cuddling and everything is good. Then comes the “I think that went well, does this mean I can call you my boy/girlfriend?”. There’s a lot more to dating a person than what we’ll learn in one or two dates. When I was asked this, I was surprised and said no. If we’re going to be official, it should have everything exclusively- honesty, loyalty, arguments, dinners, flowers, etc. If he’s already this eager to start a relationship, just think how fast the rest will come: moving in together, marriage, kids… It’s okay to take things slow, better even. 

 

Conclusion

There are probably more red flags that you’ll identify in your gut that I haven’t mentioned here. Don’t ignore that gut feeling, listen to your friends and don’t let the flags pile up.

October 17, 2017
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16 Personality Types

Posted in Lifestyle by

 

What personality type are you

We’ve all been asked the question: who are you? Describe yourself in one word. Is your personality more of a Serena or a Blair, a Monica or a Rachel? Some of us have thought it through ahead of time, picked the perfect words and are waiting to dazzle everyone with our self-awareness like a pocketful of surprise confetti. Some are lucky enough to just know the direct definition of their name.

Whether you’re person A (confetti) or person B (“Belle” means beautiful and yes, yes it is a perfect fit thankyouverymuch), it never hurts to get to know yourself in different, more extensive ways. Especially if you’re finding yourself in an identity crisis of which job should I take? what am I good at? how will I ever find love?

You could take personality quiz after personality quiz, identifying what color your aura is (we are both rocking red), which Game of Thrones house you belong in (Fire and Blood, y’all), or what sandwich you are (B=grilled cheese, E=soggy veggie wrap. There are no words.), or you can do something a bit more…scientific?

Maybe you’ve heard of the Myer Briggs test: a big, long, expensive personality test that requires a proctor and life coach and soul sucking hours to identify you as one of 16 personality types, broken down into four traits. Sound like fun? All joking aside, if you get the chance to take the test (i.e. your boss is paying for it), buckle up and enjoy the ride because you’ll likely learn a lot. Sad and poor like a soggy veggie wrap, but still want to take the test? Enter 16 Personalities, a free version (with a premium option) that takes less time, gives you similar answers, and has cool tag names and pictures to accompany your personality type.

Personality results and what they mean:

Let’s break it down:

There are four traits, each broken down into two sides. No, it’s not possible to be as identified as someone in the middle, although you certainly can pull from each on a personal level. It’s about the majority, the “most of the time” that leads to your overall type.

First and foremost is Introvert or Extrovert, or I/E, which looks at focus and interaction. It’s common for people to say “I’m capable of talking to people and am outgoing, therefore I’m an extrovert!”, to which we commonly respond to with “ERRRR! Wrong.” The division between I and E happens along two primary lines: one, you either gain (E) or lose (I) energy by being around people, and two, you either think outwardly (E) or inwardly (I). Being talkative or quiet, liking to be the center of attention or not are also key factors, but please, please do away with the idea that one is always superior to the other, or that introverts need to be retrained or other terrible things like that. Because that’s just wrong. We love both.

The second type is Sensing or Intuition, or S/N, which focuses on information. Sensors are generally realistic, specific, and practical. Intuitive people prefer ideas and concepts and can get a bit dreamy and poetic with their ideas.

The third looks to decision making, with Thinking and Feeling, or T/F. This one is pretty straight forward: you’re a Thinker if you make decisions based on logic and values like justice and fairness, or you’re a Feeler if you make decisions based on emotions and values like harmony and forgiveness.

Last but not least is Judging and Perceiving, or J/P, which reflects your outer life. These terms are a bit strange, so don’t freak if someone calls you a Judger; it just means that you respect deadlines, like to have a plan, and see things through to the end. If you’re a Perceiving, you prefer things to be more open ended, often improvise, and see rules to be more flexible.

We both took the test, and it’s no surprise to see some similarities and some differences, because that’s what makes for a great friendship! Certain types get along better with others and in different situations, another reason why it’s beneficial to know your type: to better identify who you’re good with! Continue reading to get to know more about your fabulous authors, then jump over to take the test for yourself!

A book is laid out, open, with a pair of eye glasses folded on top. Bottles of green, yellow, and blue liquid are beneath it. Next to the image, in text, is "Belle's Results: INTJ The Architect"

That first letter threw you for a loop, didn’t it? “How can this loud, magnificent, grilled-cheese gal be an introvert!?” you might find yourself asking. Remember what we said about doing away with the disillusionment that introverts are shy? Yup, case in point.

Architect personalities are amongst the rarest, only 2% of the population. INTJs have strong, often abrasive personalities and enjoy questioning, deconstructing, and rebuilding ideas and arguments. Life is a chess-board made to be maneuvered with logical, rational reasoning paired with starry-eyed ambition.

Reading through the breakdown of the type, I constantly found myself sitting up straighter in my seat, waving my inner hand in a “So me! That’s me!” type of way, especially with the strengths and weaknesses. Want to know how impressive I am?

  • Quick and intelligent
  • Self-confident
  • Independent and decisive
  • Determined
  • Open-minded, as long as it’s backed with reasoning
  • Jack-of-all-trades

Want to know how I’m less awesome?

  • Arrogant (haven’t picked up on that yet? You haven’t been reading closely enough then.)
  • Judgmental (if you’re my speed, you’re not worth my time)
  • Overly analytical (just ask Elena. I drive her nuts sometimes.)
  • Hate high-structured environments (can I get an amen!)
  • Clueless in romance (this one actually made me laugh, but in a “so true!” sort of way)

Reading through, I found that one, I’m amazing, and two, I am so happy I have Elena. That girl puts up with my dark wit, relentless righteousness, need (and I mean need) for things to happen and happen in a certain way, and lack of tact when it comes to feelings and relationships. But I’m also great for her (and others, of course) because I can offer a different outlook, insist on getting the best, and push her into action. And I think I’m pretty funny.

A woman in jeans and a black jacket walks on the outside of a balcony rail beside the water. Next to it, in text, it reads "Elena's Results: ENFJ The Protagonist"

Yes, you read that right, I am the protagonist, the main character, the lead actress, the hero, a “natural born leader” personality. However, in a subtle comparison to today’s culture, I have the personality of a teacher, a politician, a coach, someone who inspires others and makes up about 2% of the population. My results mean that I thrive off of others doing well and strive to help them become better people.

I originally took this test because I had a friend who sent it to me over a Facebook message. He wanted me to take a look at my results and notice how accurate the test was, so I filled out the test, partly out of boredom but mostly out of curiosity. I have to say that my results did resemble a lot of who I am, however after you take this test, be prepared to read; if you think this post is long, you haven’t read anything yet.

What qualities I’ve got going for me:

  • Tolerant
  • Reliable
  • Charismatic
  • Altruistic
  • Natural Leader

My flaws:

  • Overly Idealistic
  • Too Selfless
  • Too Sensitive
  • Fluctuating Self-Esteem
  • Struggle to Make Tough Decisions

It is impressive how much I do relate to these characteristics, and I do agree that I do every one of those. Sometimes I do dream about certain things but then remember I have no money and there’s no way I can actually do those things, or I give so much of myself to someone and it’s not reciprocated. I’ll admit, sometimes I do need a good cry, and yes, I do squeeze the breath out of the dog or cat for comfort while crying during a Hallmark movie by myself with my pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, but all of these things are what help me relate to some of the best people in my life.

Belle and I are such a good fit with so many things because we balance each other out with logic and emotion, and when we argue it’s always about meaningless things because if they truly mattered, we’d just want what was best for the other.

But these qualities are just the outline of the rest that is to come. There are 8 categories that explore your personality type:

  1. Introduction
  2. Strengths & Weaknesses (above)
  3. Romantic Relationships
  4. Friendships
  5. Parenthood
  6. Career Paths
  7. Workplace Habits
  8. Conclusion

We’ve given you the base of what our personalities are about. The cool part is that even though our test results are specific to us and how we did on the personality test, anyone can see the results if they know the name of your personality. We encourage you to look up the categories that are most important to you in your life now. Having work issues? Check out the Career Path and Workplace Habits (could even emphasize on some that you really relate to on your resume). Curious as to why you’re still single? Check out the Romantic Relationships. Regardless of which interests you have, the system will remember you and you can look back at your results whenever you like.

October 16, 2017
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